Selfless
by Epithimia
Summary: "Say it. Say the words I want to hear. But please say it like you mean it." Elricest! Mentions of Ed/Alfons- Just how pure were the intentions of Edward Elric in getting Alphonse's body back from the Gate?


Warnings: Shounen-ai, incest, swearing, mentions of violence and lemon.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Ed, Al, Armstrong, Alfons, anybody else I didn't mention all belong to Arakawa-sama and whatever. Song lyrics are from "The Only Hope For Me is You" by my Chemical Romance.

This takes place after an alternate ending of CoS; Ed stays in Amestris, still has automail, lives in a rebuilt home near the Rockbell's with Al.

* * *

"_If there's a place that I could be _

_Then I'd be another memory _

_Can I be the only hope for you? _

_Because you're the only hope for me…"_

_

* * *

_

Edward Elric was reckless; the ends justified the means- he had no fear in what could potentially happen to him if he didn't think things through.

_("Forget about me, where's Al? Is he all right?")_

Everything ended up thrown together, improvised, makeshift, potentially dangerous; everything was about potential. His brother's soul was what needed protection. Rational, complete, mature decisions were really not Fullmetal's forte. For five years, he was dead set on one goal. Getting the Philosopher's Stone and getting his brother's body back. Without the strong heart and body it was meant to be coupled with, Alphonse's soul was a flickering candle with Ed as his open jar.

_("One or the other, huh? I suppose I can get used to the smell of oil and metal for the rest of my life.")_

Alex Louis Armstrong had been witness to the panic that overtook the elder Elric in any instance where Alphonse's safety was jeopardized. There was something to be admired in a man who was willing to jump out of a moving train for someone else. The thought of losing his little brother was enough to freeze the blood in his veins.

_("Al's a much better person than I am. He's the one best suited for your help.")_

Yet as much as Edward was aware that his actions were driven by the welfare of another-

As many people were witness to his acts of blind courage-

Edward could not rest easy, for his actions were not all completely selfless.

His actions were partially spawned of something sinful- atrocious feelings that would wake him at night in a fitfully pleasurable haze.

Thoughts he did not want to admit to.

Thoughts that influenced how little he actually rested on their journey. Thoughts that even led to multiple carnal encounters with another man who shared his brother's name (not necessarily his face) and demeanor.

(_"Ah!- Oh yes, ah harder… yeah, oh God I'm coming- Al~!"_)

Alfons had never learned of Alphonse. It was for the best. His friend would not have been able to grasp who he really lived for in that "dream" world.

(end chapter)

In many aspects, despite his soft voice, gentle demeanor, and careful actions, Alphonse was much better suited for battle. Even as a suit of armor, he still exhibited great restraint in both hand to hand combat- able to disarm without harm. While Edward's limit would be to not kill anyone, Al would seek out any loophole to keep his opponent down, but not injured. He never thought to rush ahead or take uncalculated risks. It was as though he was able to look beyond the battlefield into the life would that remain afterwards.

As long as Edward could remember, Al always wanted to play "guardian" for the small things that couldn't protect themselves.

One of the early memories from their childhood in Resembool was one such a time. Their mother had shrieked in the kitchen while the boys were in their father's study. Immediately they jumped to their feet and scampered into the kitchen. By the open window had been an enormous beetle with a fearsome horn upon its head.

Edward had sprang forward with the book he was still holding to pound it into the windowsill, but missed his target when the beetle flew further into the house and clung to the curtains of another window. Alphonse, unfazed by the sight of the small creature, padded over to the window and shook the curtains softly, scooping it up into his hands.

Edward grinned triumphantly, "Nice one, Al! Bring it over here so I can squish it!"

"No! I'm letting it go outside!" Al's face was horrified at the aspect of killing it, "Can you open the door for me?"

Edward begrudgingly opened the door and as Al made his way over, he jumped a bit, "Ow!"

Their mother's eyes widened, "What's wrong, Alphonse?"

"Nothing, mother," He smiled brightly as he threw the insect out the door, "I think there was a loose nail on the floor!"

"Thank you for all your help, boys." Their mother smiled warmly as she went back to washing dishes.

"Yeah, no problem, mom." Edward murmured, eyes scanning the floor where Alphonse had stood and saw nothing but smooth wood. As they went back into the office, Edward firmly requested, "Al, let me see your hands."

Al, knowing the truth couldn't elude his brother, cautiously held his hands out. Edward quickly grabbed the wrist of Al's right hand when he saw the red spot on his palm, "You let that thing bite you and still let it go?"

Al jerked his hand back and cradled it to his chest, "It's just a little bite, it doesn't even hurt anymore!"

"What if it's poisonous?"

"Brother! You know as well as I do there's no poisonous bugs around here! It was just scared!"

Edward still looked concerned at the spot on his brother's hand. "It would've just been easier to kill it, you know."

Al pouted, "That's a really imbalanced fight. I mean, this is the worst it can do and you want to kill it? That's just mean, brother."

Edward countered, "Well then what if it was poisonous?"

Al's eyes drifted to the other side of the room, "Well… I guess that would be a different story, but it wasn't."

Edward sighed, "You are way too soft sometimes, Al. Now go to the bathroom and wash that thing off."

An impromptu philosophical discussion out of an insect bite managed to reveal and shape their definition of "just force."

But no longer was Al a suit of armor.

He was a baby-faced young man- a year younger than he had lived on his journey- with luminous eyes that phased between mercury gray and bronze.

With bronze hair in a whip-like ponytail.

With the same honest, pure soul that he had when he was first in the flesh.

For the longest time the biggest worries in Ed's mind consisted of Al's adjustment back to his body. So far the only changes were that Alphonse's flesh was much more reactive to touch than before. That was to be expected with so much time without any nerves or sensations, but it was still intriguing to see how he reacted to certain things. Even pain seemed to become a small delight for Alphonse.

The other day when his hand had idled too close to the stove and he burned one of his fingers, (after Edward had demanded to let him nurse the injury) Al still giggled as he once again experienced something new.

Edward denied to himself over and over that he was being overly protective of Alphonse. After all, he never confined him to the house, he never told him he couldn't go anywhere, Edward just always insisted on being at his side; Al never protested his company either.

Alphonse did have a singular objection to Edward's concern.

It had been a day of reversed roles. Edward had woken up to an empty house, a note left on Alphonse's bed.

(_"I'll be out until late tonight. I know you have no plans today, so can you please organize the books in Father's study? Thank you, brother!"_)

Little did Edward know that this was not an exercise in spring cleaning, but simply busy work as Al was making an incredibly important decision.

It was after nightfall when the door to the house finally unlocked and opened. Edward remained on the floor of the study as he heard the footfalls of boots resound in the hallway. Out of the corner of his eye, Edward caught a glimpse of a familiar scarlet coat. As he turned, his brother's eyes were determinedly lit. In hand was a form from the desk of Colonel Mustang from Central.

"Is that where you were all day? Edward's eyes hardened at the sight of the telltale coat. He strode angrily to the doorframe and pointed at his younger brother, "Al, you are NOT joining the military!"

Behind his back and in his presence, Alphonse had heard this fight over and over from his brother. No longer could he afford to let Edward be his voice in the matter.

"I am just as capable as you are! They need me! Please, brother!"

("_You need me there too!" _Alphonse bit back in his mind)

Al slid past into the room as he began examining the newly arranged shelves. The sound of clicking metal became distracting as Edward balled his fists, "Forget it! I don't want to put you in anymore danger!"

"Danger?" Al spun and slammed the paper on the desk, "You put yourself through more stupid things than I do and you're concerned that _I_ would be in danger?"

"I can afford to, I know what I'm doing!"

"You liar!" Alphonse yelled, his eyes boring into Edward's.

Edward's breath had been stolen by both the power and volume behind Al's voice. For a moment, he was completely speechless, lips dry- heart pounding laboriously. Biting his lip, he broke eye contact first. Alphonse's eyes drifted to the Flamel of his coat. To calm himself, Edward ran his fingers in his hair with a grimace.

He took a slow breath, trying to ignore the thought of the fierce eyes he'd nearly lost himself in, "You _are_ capable. More than that, you're talented and intelligent."

(_Edward held back mentioning how envious he was that the first time they took that written test, Alphonse was able to finish when he could not._)

"So I can't let you become one of… one of THEM!"

Alphonse became more agitated, "What? Like you? A 'dog of the military'? Then why are you able to do all these things that you claim I can't?"

"Because you even say you're a pacifist, how is that going to work when you need to fight?"

(_"Because you're clean, you're untarnished, and you would never stoop to the things I would do in desperation. I couldn't stand to watch you break again."_)

Al slid his jacket off and left it on the room's lone chair, "Okay, now you're definitely grasping for straws brother, I've fought plenty of times at your side and held my own."

"Well what if you weren't at my side on missions? Do you have any idea how nerve-wracking that is?"

Alphonse's voice escalated in a way that Edward never thought he was capable of, "Oh yes, because seeing you get your arm blown off before attempting assisted suicide didn't terrify me? Or how about you trying to cross the Gate again without me? Do you have any idea how nerve-wracking _your_ actions are?"

"Don't you ever think about how I'd feel if you died? Don't you ever think?" Alphonse's hand connected with the doorjamb before walking back out into the main room.

Furious at the accusation, Edward stalked after his brother, "I did all these damn things because I needed you back, you're the one I always had on my mind!"

Outside of the candlelight of the office, the entire front room was indigo-save for the pools of moonlight staining the floor blue. When Alphonse refused to turn, Edward grabbed his shoulder and pulled, the younger Elric not resisting.

His eyes shimmered wetly as guilt overtook Edward's anger, "Sacrifice is a two-way street, brother. Equivalent exchange. This isn't a matter of feeling like I owe you- I know I owe you my life- and I want to pay it back."

As he spoke, Alphonse tugged the fingers of his gloves off with the free hand. As soon as his hands were bare, he grasped Edward's flesh hand. He firmly pressed the fingertips of his brother's hand into his, the clammy flesh soft, but unyielding to the touch, "You can touch me, brother. I'm not going to disappear. I promise."

As much as he tried to hide the tremors of his hand, the rattling of the metal one gave him away. Edward let out a slow breath as his racing heart finally calmed.

"By the way, pacifism is an interesting concept," Alphonse whispered, "it doesn't necessarily mean turning tail and running in a fight. It also means knowing when to hold back in a fight, knowing when to walk away. It's more about weighing your options and knowing when you can or can't win."

The turquoise glow of the moonlight made Alphonse's eyes shine like jasper.

Edward's thumbs pressed into Alphonse's palm, "I just can't understand how you have so much faith."

As Alphonse shook his head, Edward caught sight of a shimmering track on his shadowed cheek, "The only reason I was broken in the first place was because of our own mistakes, but I was able to be sewn back together. I'm not saying anything is going to happen to me, but… I believe in myself and I believe in you."

"I just wish you had thought of another way your life could be owed to me than selling it to the military…" Edward's voice softened in a way Alphonse was not familiar with.

Edward's automail hand continued to clasp his brother's while the flesh one had tilted his jaw to face him again, "Al…S-stay. With me."

"Brother…" Alphonse's eyes widened just a fraction more, "Say it. Say the words I want to hear. But please say it like you mean it."

_("Or you'll mean to break me.")_

Silently, Edward closed the distance between their parted lips.

* * *

"_And if we can't find where we belong _

_We'll have to make it on our own _

_Face all the pain and take it on _

_Because the only hope for me is you alone."_

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Owari~! Thank you for reading~!


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